Sunday, September 18, 2005


"Hey, Mister!"

Once again, I worked at the audio bookstore both days this weekend. Usually it's a very quiet, laidback job. I'm the only one working, and often an hour or so can go by without any customers. Yesterday, two little girls, children of someone who works at the restaurant next door, decided to pay me a visit...and hang out most of the day, destroying the store like a swarm of locusts. They were kind of adorable (aged 9 and 12) and kept saying "Hey, mister!" to me (which made me feel about a hundred years old).

"Hey, mister! What if someone offered you a million dollars to cut off your arm?...But then you didn't cut it off but told them that you did. Then you had a million dollars and still had your arm. And when they found out you didn't cut off your arm, you'd already have the million dollars."

[Our store also sells little boxed sets of random crap, including Voodoo Dolls.] "Hey, mister! What if I made a voodoo doll for you and then stuck a big needle through the heart? Or made a voodoo doll for your kitties and made them attack you? But I wouldn't voodoo an animal. I'm going to be a veterinarian!"

I told them my name, but later I told them to call me "Princess Perfect." (I was bored, ya know...) The younger one (who is precocious in a frightening sort of way) decided she was going to write a note to my manager. She wrote, "Dear [manager], 'Michael' thinks she is a princess, and she thinks she is perfect. She is a big, big liar liar pants on fire!" What can I say? "Out of the mouth of babes..."

Speaking of my retail job, this annoying guy came in yesterday. He was apparently a Brit from London, visiting Los Angeles (and staying at the Bel Air). He kept making demands of me like I was his personal concierge while his prissy wife roamed through the store asking questions and then telling me "never mind" when I tried to help her. Her husband was trying to find some place for lunch. He asked me if I knew any fancy restaurants they could try. I wanted to tell him, "Look, buddy. I make eight dollars an hour. I don't usually dine out at haut cuisine." First he asked me for a phone book (which he didn't know how to use) and then to look stuff up on the internet. Normally I don't mind helping people with this kind of thing, but this guy was a prick. While I was helping his brittle bitch of a wife, he asked me, "Do you listen to these audiobooks? No, I guess not." Yeah, like I'm some "dun ignit" shopkeep.

Also another adorable actor guy came in yesterday. I'm not sure if he's a screen actor. Or maybe a voice actor. All I know is that his headshot is hanging on the store wall, and he's not Ben Affleck. (Though I certainly wouldn't kick either one of them out of bed for eating crackers!) He was a nice 'tude, particularly for one so good looking. (This is Los Angeles, after all.—Your looks are the currency of your self-worth.) As I said, he was friendly, but I didn't really chat with him for very long. At least I didn't try to give him my phone number!

Then the original actor boy came into the store today. He never called me this week, by the way, which saved me the trouble of trying to find a walrus. He was only returning an audiobook, so he didn't stay for very long. Pathetic as I may me, I'm not going to act like some scorned witch just because a guy didn't call, so I was friendly and sweet as Jewish wine. It may have been my imagination, but there did seem to be some kind of something between us. And he did say, "It was great to see you again." But then, maybe I was just creeping him out with my intense looks.

Finally, yet a different man came in today, and I thought maybe he was flirting with me. When I asked him about putting a title on reserve for him, he said, "No, but I don't mind if you guys call me any time." But later on he mentioned a son, so I wasn't sure what the story was. He was a little heavy, but he had a cute face. (Honestly, I could be describing myself!) The thing is, he seemed kind of needy and mentioned alcohol and other addiction problems. I don't want to be the pot who called the kettle black. But, my God, can you imagine me being the stable one in a relationship?

Happy Birthday, Tortelloni

Once again, I'm attempting to get a handle on my finances and my weight and my health. Friday night I went to the store and bought two-weeks worth of good food. As I was putting it away, I found a package of tortelloni that expired over a year ago. Cringe! I keep waiting for my life to level out. But I need something positive to hold onto psychologically. The only good thing is that I keep trying and keep struggling for a foundation for my dreams.

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